Can you be friends with your ex? Should you be friends with your ex or is that a No No? There is the proper way to handle your partners’ exes…then there is real life! Are we ever tempted to compare ourselves with our partners’ exes? Why? On this episode, Pumla, Abbey and Melanie get into this. They discuss working with exes, co- parenting, just hanging out with them and much more.
Contributors and Show's Socials
Pumla’s Socials: FB: https://www.facebook.com/pnabachwa
Abbey’s Socials: Twitter @SheikhSpear, https://www.facebook.com/akafumbe
Melanie’s Socials: Twitter @LizAbwooli, FB https://www.facebook.com/melanie.kaita/
M's View: FB https://www.facebook.com/MelKaita1
Melanie 0:09
Hi, and welcome to MCU, the podcast that deals with topics that you want to talk about and maybe a bit shy of talking about them or you just don't have enough bandwidth in your day when your brain to talk about it or just and when I mean burden with sometimes it's emotional, sometimes intellectual bandwidth. Sometimes it's just you don't give two shits. We'll be talking about a couple of topics in this coming weeks. And by the way in a bit, I'll also be sharing with you also how you can get in touch with us. Let us know what you think about this topics. And yes, your feedback is always always welcome. And today joining me in the studio to talk about a particular topic is our Baker form belt now, I'll say he's a man about town. We'll leave it at that. And then Pamela trout, who is better known for being quite outspoken on social media and one of the hosts on Bumble love. Hi, guys.
Pumla Nabachwa 1:07
Hey, Mel.
Melanie 1:10
I just didn't want to do an extravagant intro. Just wanted to keep it simple and sweet, hopefully. So guys, this time, we're talking about x's and x's being your friends. Now, for the for the purpose of the discussion, I want to define in terms of the exes ex's ex boyfriend, ex husband, ex spouse, ex partner, ex common low, ex ex anything that look like an intimate relationship. So the question is, Can exes be your friends? Should they be your friends? What the heck does that look like? And how does that function? And I'm going to start with you Abby, do you think exes should be friends? Can they be
Abbey Kafumbe 1:50
is there a reason could even be defined friend because that's going to
Melanie 1:53
deter that's a good thing. So now when it comes to friends, we're talking about like a cordial, cordial, friendly relationship of some sort. That's functional, civil, civil relationship. It doesn't have to be buddy, buddy, but your your found you functionally you're like, Hey, hi, you do not you do not duck them. You do not hate them. You can actually work with them. You can co parent with them. You can just basically it doesn't have to be that your tightest buddy, but neither does it have to be just an acquaintance. Just just a function of buddy.
Abbey Kafumbe 2:22
I'm not speaking from experience necessarily.
Melanie 2:26
Disclaimer,
Abbey Kafumbe 2:29
to be honest with you, I think if you don't get along with your ex, you still have issues you haven't dealt with out think, or it depends on how it ended. You know, if it, but it never ends. Well.
Melanie 2:41
Oh, it
Pumla Nabachwa 2:42
was amicably,
Abbey Kafumbe 2:45
amicably. But I mean, if I find my ex and a dash or look at a site means that we have an issue, so I would think so. Yeah. But if, if I don't actively go out to look for them, I bump into them, or maybe we have a child together. But they show up. I mean, yeah, if you have a bond that can be undone. Unless it's, I mean, depends on the person you're with now also, you know, good. Yeah, if there'll be so offended with it, because I know many who get along. Yes, I think the situation really depends. But being so Korean close x at other, sir. That's a time Bowman really is easy.
Melanie 3:24
So are we saying that when you are friends with your exes, there's always meaning time or meaning there's the danger of relapse? What is
Abbey Kafumbe 3:31
it? Man if Yeah,
Pumla Nabachwa 3:34
I, I saved you because it before if it has happened before it, chances are higher that it will happen again. So to proximity makes things worse, like maybe not worse, but it just the chances are probability of a reoccurrence of anything in life. Regardless, even take this away from exists will cause the otter you'll stumble back into that pattern. And and that's if you want to talk and so I think the thing with exes So personally, I call bullshit. Obey says no experience, but I'll tell you the only ex that I interact with is my child's father. And that's the only reason
Melanie 4:14
okay to interact with is just a functional thing of co parenting.
Pumla Nabachwa 4:18
CO parent, we have to we have to be in each other's lives if I didn't have a child with him. I don't think I would never and the exigency I think and this is maybe something Abby can tell us. Because men have a thing where they they kind of keep at the door open circular
Melanie 4:32
doors,
Pumla Nabachwa 4:34
they're like, oh my god, I was with a group of my girlfriends yesterday. And we were discussing because I wanted to like have kind of an A helicopter view of what this is and not just speak as myself. Yeah. And all of them told me that. Oh guys, they call us even yesterday. I was with Raymond the other day I was like you don't get those calls. I get those.
Abbey Kafumbe 4:57
Go the saying that never close embassy. is the US had an interest in Cuba?
Pumla Nabachwa 5:05
That's how men operate. Why do you keep that door open? For what? What are you waiting?
Abbey Kafumbe 5:11
I don't think he's keeping the door open. I think most men don't graduate as bad as women. Do you know? Like, even gay friends you know? This is your sleep with your wife. That is yeah, you are forever but for you know, two years you're talking women, they cut you off, then the friends do they take it out for you. God hates you guys gonna
Melanie 5:34
graduate behalf of our friends. So gays,
Abbey Kafumbe 5:37
gays keep their relationships. They hardly close them completely. But really the reason why in this case, is that really the reason? full bow imagine imagine a gay can fall out with his friend friend male friend. Yeah. Now imagine someone who were intimate with Yeah, so it's really difficult to close that. Close that embassy. So the best thing the if it's going to bring your problems you avoid because that chemistry was it's there exactly. Always be there. Okay, from that said proximity.
Melanie 6:07
You know what, honestly, I'm you know what, I used to think that like, I had some exes that I used to think what my kryptonite the one or two of them. Like those one that used to just touch me non stop, stop thinking like mental functions would come. Like even the thought of him. I'm like, my guy my Yeah, however time right now I have no interest. Like, recently I had an X and I felt
Pumla Nabachwa 6:32
nothing. Oh, this same x.
Melanie 6:35
Nothing my, my supper. Tonight. I felt absolutely nothing. So just know nothing sober. Even without being sober. Like I literally at some point, we were hugging. He was hugging me and he was like, extra extra extra. And I rolled my eyes. I caught myself. Like, one minute, why don't I feel the thing that I used to
Abbey Kafumbe 7:02
feel like after a couple of
Melanie 7:04
weeks, you know, but you know, let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. I know a lot of us and there are instances are well, it's actually as good as Oklahoma, Oklahoma basis. Most alcohol takes me out like I sleep i don't i i Keep quiet like there's nothing except there's a drink cocktail somewhere in this place called seven devils. I'm not saying where it is. It's called Seven.
Abbey Kafumbe 7:24
Usually the ex knows that drink.
Pumla Nabachwa 7:27
Drink seven devils.
Melanie 7:30
But honestly, I just think there are certain exes that you can close the door on. And no matter what you do, like there are some exes I have now they've called me the whole lot. And I'm just I feel nothing because the chapter is lost. Like there isn't in order. I think people come for, for different. Ellis the way I approach it, people come for seasons, and reasons. When the reason and purpose is done, and it is done, it is done. Like when it's done and their purpose is done. And I've learnt the lesson. And there is no no more to contribute to my life for them. And for me both ways. It's done. It's done. And I'm very careful that if I, if I feel a certain way, like I feel a certain negative or overly positive emotion towards an ex, then I haven't healed. So I go back because I should feel nothing.
Pumla Nabachwa 8:30
Like literally I think time is a critical component in this equation, especially again, speaking to my girlfriend's one of them told me that it was only after 15 years when we're having a discussion. She said, I always I always I like I can't be friends with my ex because I'm the one person who defined that for her was an ex who she's been like, we've been apart for just 13 years. And she said like every time they met there was still something bubbling inside her she wasn't comfortable there was and then one day, she told nothing, like completely nothing. And she said yeah, now now we are buddies and yet be somebody she said she dated. And then when that ended, they are now they actually not even cordial like they are really bad days. From the airport is the one who's like real buddies. I think. Nobody see for him. I tell her. Him. It's like an issue of someone having a chicken for a pet. And you're the chicken darling. Yes, you will be eaten if you give him a chance. You will they will eat Yeah.
Abbey Kafumbe 9:35
Yeah, it's 15 years. You not seeing each other. That can help because what happens? Yeah, but if you your buddies pick it up. And what if seven devils in yours?
Melanie 9:47
But my question is and again, are we supposed to because we have histories right? We have pasts, and it's something we have to deal with. Right? But then again, in our setting just the African setting you're going to say Kampala city, everyone knows everyone ever. It's always three degrees of separation. Anyone in this country, right? Are we live realistic support say no, just because a person is my ex, they, I cannot work with them. I can cooperate with them. I can be friends with them, I can work on projects with them. Is that the kind of thing because sometimes I'm just like, life happens. Like, literally life happens. And I'm just like, if because now for me function, if someone is really good at what it like, I have access. Like, I literally, the only reason I'm not friends with this exercise, I think is an absolute asshole. Right? But he's fantastic at what he does. Fantastic.
Pumla Nabachwa 10:38
So when you were dating
Melanie 10:42
it's just that I was in love with an asshole I am fortunate. sapiosexual Why pretend a bit, but not really.
Abbey Kafumbe 10:52
The reason you to read an article is because they're good at what they do. And maybe,
Melanie 10:56
and for me, and for me, excellence in what you do is very paramount. Like I like I like to look up to my partner. Like I like to be able to say your shit at what you do. Like if you're, if you're like two steps away from from shit in terms of a brain, I'm not even going to look in your direction. However.
Abbey Kafumbe 11:15
If they continue being good at whatever they're doing, but
Melanie 11:16
no, we only kind of ignore the rest. I know, they've been moments where I've dated someone and they don't have to break fire together. You know, like my friends looked at it and said to you. So is it is that but the truth of the matter is, if a person is good at what they do, and I have to work on a project, and I have to get money, it doesn't matter how much I seek you an asshole if you're good at what you do. I will work with you because I have to get that money. I have to complete a project and it looks good sauce logical. Yeah. So no, for me, I'm just like, you know, I'm like, what? Get over your shit. Melanie, get over your feelings about it. Just get your stuff done. So, and I understand the same thing with the parents who like co parenting a person, you can look and say, he says I had a kid with an idiot. But what do you do? He like he needs off the kids or father, right? Especially like I like I can pretend that if I had a daughter, they don't need no noxious that's bullshit that children is the Father. So I will just be like, Man, the name, the child is the Father. So
Pumla Nabachwa 12:28
function you're studying, you might not have a choice. You might be your colleague, you might have dated your boss, I'm going to leave the job just because
Abbey Kafumbe 12:38
you think you think if you have more x's, it's easier to get over them than if you had just one or two,
Pumla Nabachwa 12:45
I think I think so. But that would also speak to the type of person you it is your attachment levels. So so deep if you have just the one by the age of 35, let's say no. Maybe it could
Abbey Kafumbe 12:57
be that maybe you don't have attachment. Maybe you don't attach easily, which which could be
Pumla Nabachwa 13:04
many x's, that means you don't attach?
Melanie 13:06
There is that possibility that you only attach you just It's only that you're attached to one or two. And those ones were counted the rest the rest Oh, there is. However for me, I think how would I approach that? Because I'm like, would it I'll think about it in a second because I'm just like I don't know because x is a
Pumla Nabachwa 13:32
I think I think the personal thing just leave your past where it belongs in the past like I don't have so to find out there are people who date their friends like for personally I don't I there's nobody I've ever dated or had a sexual relationship with who was my friend originally. Like it's never happened and intentionally because I know when we finish I'm cutting you off like I can't lose my friends and we are too old now the friends we have let's keep them with them so your friends on game my friends on game is as when we know as long as we spoken more than thrice and it's not going to happen like we are done. I see you the first time I know there is potential so we I don't I don't breach that friendship I first see how this goes when I see that there is nothing then we become coordinate we become buddies so there is there is an issue of some people who have dated like who have dated people who are actually their friends and like really really good friends and then they started dating then when that ends what happens after that
Melanie 14:37
no no no. Yes exactly. We
Abbey Kafumbe 14:42
have puppies from primary abuse from secondary we were tight but life goes on doesn't mean you drag them along. If you meet later on with with it we call it fire dragon. When you call the devil seven devils much He sounded fiery. And so you move on, move on. But like you said, in Kampala, where you move your bone to meet again,
Melanie 15:09
in this country in this town in this continent, like the East African region, and if you're working on your mobile, corporate wise and you just move by it, chances are you're going to come into and again, I'd like to test my boundaries, right? I like to test myself in terms of people, right? I'm very aware that there and again, like, unlike you, I always date my friends. Oh, Lord, always, always. Like, if I cannot, if I can't, like you as a person, I am doing like I'm not claiming you. I don't and there's a difference between and dating. Yeah. So if I'm claiming you in the streets, you're my friend because when it comes to the whole relationship, there'll be times when you're doing and, and I'm just like, I can't stand you but if I can't send you that moment if the emotions are not there, then you have to be my friend Right? Like I have to be able to discuss things with you have to be able because respect is a big thing for me in a relationship I cannot respect someone who's not my friend
Abbey Kafumbe 16:20
Melanie goes for the mind when you hear in her formula goes for the physical strangely chicken respective of
Pumla Nabachwa 16:34
the physical do we are we putting together then if it's not working in that department boy by
Melanie 16:42
which I respect that because it again because the physical is very, very important. So it's very, very important when it comes like now of course, and you know, the irony is, again, can someone become my ex? Or can I cut them off because the physical is not working? Absolutely. Like you can be my friend so you can set my soul on fire and everything but I'm like, boy, this is no and then I let you go I let you go and I just friendzone you right and that can happen but then and now a person like that the physical didn't work, but they are really really good. They're really really good people then you become my friend you may access my friend
Abbey Kafumbe 17:22
and if the physical comes back how does the physical something about
Pumla Nabachwa 17:26
yeah, I've learned recently that it can
Abbey Kafumbe 17:30
you see expert expert that you get to learn a game and it says oh that's a blue pill what what
Melanie 17:45
do you know what I think about it? I'm just even think about because when you said I was like No Then I realized no, no, because there's a time I had an x and then 10 years later I like refresher course I go back to it boy had a great
Pumla Nabachwa 18:02
experience
Abbey Kafumbe 18:06
wherever you left him with showed him the
Melanie 18:12
you know the things that he's you know, the things that guys like, I would never do this. I'm never doing them nasty. And I'm just like, You know what, um, but then again, I'm just like, but you're still my ex because we broke up for a reason. So that was good. Better than before. But you're my ex for a reason. So I didn't go back for that. I'm like even like goes properly. Deke monetized? I was
Abbey Kafumbe 18:41
but what did you go back to a job to accompany left if they offering you better position, higher position better pay? Would you go
Melanie 18:49
back? No, no, no, here's the thing. Look, looks no look at it this way. Do the reasons that you left a job still exist?
Pumla Nabachwa 18:56
That's exactly what he's
Abbey Kafumbe 18:58
saying. If it was lack of promotion, and then the good come and then they see your potential later on. They call you back. Better position higher pay bigger responsibilities, meaning you
Melanie 19:08
have addressed everything
Pumla Nabachwa 19:09
exactly everything the key person Yeah, maybe maybe the let me tell
Melanie 19:13
you very rarely do people address 80% of the shit you walked away from very rarely
Abbey Kafumbe 19:18
those swing between companies, you know, they go back and but it's
Melanie 19:22
different, like company culture and a relationship I'll say or no, go back to your to your question. There'll be times where someone will come up with higher pay and all these things and give you all the bonuses and stuff. But the real reason you left was the company culture. Not me. I'm not going back for higher pay. If the company culture if the culture change, if there is no real form of like vertical, is it vertical horizontal promotion in whatever way if there are no real reasons of growth for me, no matter how much money you put on the table. And that's the thing. I look at that with excess if the reasons still exist, like The child is ballistic. Bobby, take your ballistics,
Pumla Nabachwa 20:03
unless the reason you left was because the child was fake when you come back and he has upped his game
Melanie 20:13
you know what that one is? Yes. That that, but then again, it comes to the question. Now, is there a point where you're like, No, I will never be friends with that with those exes? Is it? Is it an issue of your history with them? Or who they are as people or your other new partner saying, I don't want them in your life? Is there a good reason to shun someone to shun an ex because your partner is not your present partner is not comfortable with and when I say present partner, it could be a partner. It could be a common law spouse, it could be a girlfriend, it could be a you know, like, yeah, so is that a good reason to say I'm not friends with my ex because your partner is uncomfortable?
Abbey Kafumbe 20:56
For guys, I know there'll be a golf course or whatever. But you can't tell again, you can see you can see the person they'll be like, so they'll try all their best to make sure you don't know exactly. For girls. It's very easy. I think we've all noticed it. A girl gets married cut off
Pumla Nabachwa 21:12
all her friends. Yes, for sure is what marriage is
Abbey Kafumbe 21:15
all about. You can't see them anymore.
Pumla Nabachwa 21:20
She's the one who makes you two boys. The other one she's only makes you stay out late the other one then you start realizing that every time you talk about Julie and Emma and grace, you have problems cutting them off
Abbey Kafumbe 21:31
girls cut off. Oh, yeah. Family for the sake of love that is for the to cut off. What? They don't throw their birthdays marriage? No, of course, I'm not saying that they will necessarily continue. But they'll still be Cordial. Cordial, we don't cut them off the way goes to
Pumla Nabachwa 21:49
claim. Reason? I don't know. I've done it before. And like, because I can I relate to the what I've been saying. For the sake of trying to see to make 20 to be peaceful in the home. Like, you know what if that person is giving me that name that keeps coming up causing us problems. Let me just cut because there are people who have real cut off or no communication with for two years, then the relation ended. And even the next day we were talking then you realize oh my goodness, actually cut this person off. Because of this, the person that I was with
Abbey Kafumbe 22:22
toxic in a way to tell someone stop your
Pumla Nabachwa 22:24
tears? I think you see at the end of the day, go ahead, go
Abbey Kafumbe 22:27
see at the end of the day, if I tell pumila Subscene hum, yeah, I'll do that for you. Then they see each other they don't about it. What would have happened? Like, none of our lives will change. It's all in the head in mind.
Melanie 22:43
Okay, now I'm going to bring it to you because he'll he has he has my thoughts on this be it depends on why the other your partner, you present partner is saying don't see your ex, it can be for two reasons. It could be blood blatant insecurity on their part. But it could also be that they see something there. And they're like this. Yes, that this because they are sometimes and you know, sometimes we are again, men are the worst at this. They lack self awareness. Like we women, we watch a man our men. And we know like, that's a woman to watch out for. With. Yes, yes. And we follow it because we can't even the woman may not even be looking at your man. But you know, you see the way he moves his hand around, you see that, and men seem not to be self aware about that. And then you like that x is still under his skin? So and he may think no, no, it's cool and legitly you can find a man who's not trying to be an asshole. And he's like, are known as an expert. You use that email instinct that you have is like, and sometimes guys habit as well about exes. Like I have like, no, again, my present partner, we have a deal that whoever predicted my predicted us in terms of each other, right? heads on that it can go
Pumla Nabachwa 24:06
I beg your pardon. It can go, it can go
Melanie 24:10
whoever No, whoever predicted us. They can swing back.
Abbey Kafumbe 24:15
It makes a lot of sense.
Pumla Nabachwa 24:17
I pick your paddle
Abbey Kafumbe 24:20
limited. For my experience, my friends and things I've seen in life and how people you know, were together they no longer together. How are they? At the end of the day? It's all in the mind. So if you deal with the mind, some facts of life gets easier. I'm telling you because other day you see we save a zoom. We're crazy. They're swingers open relationships. Yeah, that's because of experiences and the real.
Pumla Nabachwa 24:48
Sometimes you have to be honest to themselves. Yeah, be honest.
Melanie 24:52
I think it's also the idea that you look as a person like now this is how I figure it out. Figure it out with my present partner. I said look, you We have to make a decision not to go back to our axis. And each and every one of them isn't is a decision. I know a woman. I stopped bothering she's she's his kryptonite. I stopped, like I'm like,
Pumla Nabachwa 25:14
and they're friends. And they have
Melanie 25:16
no, no, it's a weird, it is absolutely weird. Like if he has my baby, I'm sorry. Absolutely weird. Like, I watch them. And it's like an animosity thing, but they're drawn to each other. Just like, you know what? You go back and sort out what you go and sort out our domestic issues make. The woman has issues with her son, and then his, she calls him and then he's trying to sort it out. I'm like, and you know, just I know, moolah. Healthy though. Because, you know, here's how I look at it. Am I getting mine? Okay, I am. So if you have extras for someone NASCO Okay, good.
Abbey Kafumbe 25:58
But was that your mindset? 10 years ago? Do you think this comes with time? You're like,
Melanie 26:04
Whoa, I don't
Abbey Kafumbe 26:08
know what waste your energy on. There
Melanie 26:10
is a there's a bit of that. But there's also the realism of saying, I kind of tried to be self aware. And my self awareness extends to the, to the, to the extent that we don't have it all figured out. Right. And relationships are messy. So their access that I'm able to and I watch and they have watched along myself along the way and he has where the excess I thought oh the word threat and then we go back to it and then longer nothing because you've dealt you have dealt you have healed you've moved on. They no longer serve a purpose in your life. Right? Even exes. I used to sit showed up. Okay, now like I am, I try not to be insecure. I'm not really an insecure woman. This woman literally showed up at his doorstep. And I was walking out. And this woman was hot.
Abbey Kafumbe 27:01
You're like, even if it were me.
Melanie 27:05
I'm supposed to be an X. And I'm like, and she's like, and she flew in. And, and she said that and she's like, and and this is a killer one. things I've done. She said, she said she comes to me. She looks at me says hi, how are you? And I look at her and I detach myself mentally I'm like, distance yourself millennial don't do drama, don't drama. And how do you know him? He's my boyfriend.
Pumla Nabachwa 27:31
Is that what she says? She said
Melanie 27:32
it in front of me. And I know for a fact that I've seen Texas the broken up and everything. But now she's trying to piss around him like a dog because she's flown from New Jersey to whatever. And I'm just like, so. And he's panicking.
Pumla Nabachwa 27:45
Was he within earshot like it was next week. Because we worked,
Melanie 27:49
we worked out together. We worked out together and this and then and I'm just like, why are we doing this? Like, I'm not doing the drama. But for me, I was not bothered about him as bothered about my reaction to her. Because I was looking at is this woman she's like, she looked Afro Egyptian. In hot yoga pants. You're older than me by about five, six years, short hair cut, you know, those kind of women when they have a short haircut, and they still look hot. I was mad. I was mad. And I wasn't mad at him. I was mad at my reaction at her because she was so hot. And I was reacting to that. And I was mad. Right? So I'm just like, I'm like, Melanie, you're insecure about this ex because he looked at her says you're in town. Okay. And we'll sort this out later, he actually tells I will sort this out later. And then he gets with me in the car and we go and do a family function. Right? And then apparently he read her the riot act and I never heard from her. Again. However, I will tell you this. At that moment, when I looked at her
Pumla Nabachwa 28:52
GPS, like got there you see like you see this drop like okay, so and this goes back to the question, the issue of should your partner be the one is like, should your partner be the one to tell you not to be with your ex? I think for me, it's a conscious, I don't like drama. I don't like problems. Yeah, never handled. So I think I make the decision myself, for everybody. Like I don't drag exes into my relationship, because I don't know who I'm ever going to date, what? how insecure they are about access their views about I don't want them to have that struggle that we have other problems in life, that should not be their struggle. Who is that is we and that's one way. The second way is that instance, don't want to be somebody else's problem. And you're an x and then you're coming under you might think things are fine. Then you come in to see a house and it's platonic and there's no issues. And then you enter house and then you find Melanie and she's like who's this chick? What are you doing here? Like that's not an extra problem like extra problems you bring on yourself. So why don't you cut my exes? Honestly, I like that Random Border guy who I call when my border guy find him on the street and I need him maybe he's like, if he passes, I don't care like he's just there. I feel like zero, nothing. My ex and you're out there listening. That is the way I don't pick your calls about your life like efficient I think many, many you're going back to damage and then you move forward then not know. What are you looking for?
Melanie 30:27
Hey, Melanie here. If you liked this episode, please be sure to share it her friend. And also don't forget to subscribe. And do you have any thoughts? I've got good news for you then share those thoughts. on Facebook. It's EMS view, simple. That's the name EMS view, Facebook page, like, subscribe, share. Cheers. So we're on that path because for me, I've had I have an ex, particularly he's a fixer. He fixes problems, issues. He's a fixer, Liverpool. And he fixes to a point that he used to fix my stuff, my friend stuff, my family stuff. And to this day, my mother will call him with an issue and he will fix it. My mom has a separate issue with that XO separate relationship with that excellent. We are not together that way. But I remember when I just come into the country, he fixed a couple of things for me.
Abbey Kafumbe 31:26
All right, a couple Yes.
Melanie 31:32
No, no, no, no. For for the purposes of this particular discussion, none of those. However, he fixed like practical things. Now I realize that he may not meet my buddy, buddy friend. But because of our dynamic, I know we're good. We're not enemies or anything. But he he can still I can still rock him into my life to fix issues. And he's okay with that. And that's all right. And I don't care about whatever women he has, how many kids he has, I don't care, because and again, like now, my stead, my steady my partner now knows about him and says are calling for that. I'm calling for that. Because he man has said is not worried about that particular one. And there are like different countries that you know, you have this issue called? Yeah. Because and that is because I've gone. And then there are some studies like that one. No, no, I do not want to have this. Like, even just missions names. And I try to be as honest as possible. But then also, sometimes I just save the study a lot of drama. And I'm just like, you know what this one you want to know about? Because this one, like the light I had, like no stick. But then I think there is a place, I think it all comes down to have you resolved your issues with a
Abbey Kafumbe 32:51
low note that brings us to you know, you know that the five stages of dealing with grief. anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, not necessarily in that order. So if you haven't accepted, you've accepted, there's gonna be tension, either you hate them so much, or you miss them so much. And anything can happen after that. But once you accept here, you move on. Just move on. You move on. Yeah,
Pumla Nabachwa 33:17
but then there's the assholes as well. I feel like they're there. They're bad people you should not I think it depends on if you were in an abusive relationship. Or an unhealthy or manipulative. Yeah, I think I think there's excess that you need to cut off, because they're just bad human beings. And before you reach acceptance, you will always be in in a position of turmoil and because you might not be able to trust by the time they know that they these people you'll be with and then it's like that control that they have over you. Yeah. And you may not be it may be a weakness in your weak strain in you. And you've got to be able to honest with yourself to know that you know what, that's my kryptonite, but he's not good for me. And if I keep him around me, I don't know. I don't trust myself. Yeah, yeah. Geez, that
Abbey Kafumbe 34:05
fix them. Yeah.
Melanie 34:06
Okay. Yeah, I
Pumla Nabachwa 34:08
think there's those that you just it's not a debate like Joker, let them go cut them off, because you do not want to go back into that pattern.
Melanie 34:16
So are we saying exes now in terms of being friends with them? It's a case by case basis. So there is no are you? Are you just saying?
Pumla Nabachwa 34:27
Yes for me? No, no, it's not going to happen. I'm sorry. Whether you are a word whether you are great, whether there is money. Even if there is money to be made, it will be only a bit in the world where I can get that money from I will just cut you all
Abbey Kafumbe 34:42
away and do find
Pumla Nabachwa 34:45
me with him. No, but if it's I'm not going to look for it. No, no, no, no, no. if an opportunity comes and I find myself having to work with him, then I will that's a different case altogether. But I will not get out of my way and say like how Melanie says that guy is a fixer. Let me call him so that he can help me with this isn't going to happen. Okay. But if opportunity presents himself unlife decides that okay, something has happened. And then I find myself having to work on a project with him that will happen in the project separate again.
Abbey Kafumbe 35:16
I access a don't trust them and they could be wanting to avenge, you know, really good dealers can do either, like, let me reel them in. Let me reel them in. Let me know.
Pumla Nabachwa 35:30
In this, okay, of course, this was something happened outside countries. That guy was with this girl like high school, sweetheart campus, everything. And then he proposed, and he she rejected. She rejected Him, and then confessed and said, You know what, I've actually been having an affair with somebody else. They broke up. They met 10 years later, she called him up and said, Oh, I'm in town and whatever. And then they rekindle their relationship. And then they got married. And his mission for everything that he did after that was to avenge revenge. What had happened, like what was that? A way to
Melanie 36:08
go back? That's why you never go back to go
Abbey Kafumbe 36:11
back and act because I don't know.
Pumla Nabachwa 36:13
That means you're always doing some wrongdoing that somebody has to
Abbey Kafumbe 36:21
know you see now the situations where a relationship can end just because I cannot meet your demands, you know? Because of that time. Six years down the road, it dealers come like we've said, By coincidence, he has been on the team as well. I'm like, okay, maybe, for me, that boy, it made it work for me. You know, that's the fear
Pumla Nabachwa 36:46
goes south.
Abbey Kafumbe 36:48
We we like I don't trust myself with exes. I don't trust my exes. Okay. Okay, okay. You remain cordial, but I don't trust you too. Okay. But
Melanie 36:57
there's a healthy distance. Yeah.
Abbey Kafumbe 36:59
Hey, yes, yes. Okay. I can't involve you that much. Because I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
Melanie 37:04
We're just now starting starting with Abby. In terms of your Weiss exes. Yeah. What's your attitude towards them?
Abbey Kafumbe 37:14
You know, like I said, the main thing is the most important thing for me, by the way, okay.
Melanie 37:20
I mean, I
Abbey Kafumbe 37:21
do not bother. A I do not bother. Unless I've seen signs, you know, or someone comes and tells me because by the time someone tells you the whole world knows. My wife enough to know that if she wants to do something, she'll do it. Either way. I have no control over that. Yeah. Okay. They should they should love me. That's what matters. Like, yeah, I may steal her. Well, you know, because we make, you know, Okay, walk alone, side hustle alone, then I begin looking for meaning. I don't.
Melanie 38:02
And formula for you, your partner and your attitude towards his exes?
Pumla Nabachwa 38:07
To be honest, I would rather that he had the same that I did. But I don't care. If you'd rather he would rather that he left that where it was unless there was an issue of co parenting unless it was practical, logical function or functionality, no issues, but I would feel a bit slighted if, oh, I'm going to have lunch. Going the only one that know what lunch What are you doing? But I wouldn't care. I would never be the person who says no, but it would if me or be Yeah. If I'm to be completely honest. But I would not bother like I would hope that it would be out of your own volition. To cut yourself because, okay, yes. Because regardless of my feelings, it shouldn't be about me. Like it should be about what you do and what you decide to do. And that's a decision that I would run I would fill out hope you would make on your own. But x says I'm just not
Abbey Kafumbe 39:07
like, it's all the people that x you know, like, you know, you need to know that. Hey, what's going on now? What's going on? And I let you know that it's up to you. But you have that yeah, you have the discretion. I have no control. There's no control. And sometimes when you stop them from doing something, you're like a kid tell them to do something
Melanie 39:30
crazy, like
Abbey Kafumbe 39:33
nothing much going on. But yes. Anyway,
Melanie 39:37
might as well might as well even happen. Yeah. Okay. Okay, because Ma'am, I'm just thinking I again. Like I've never been in a position except that moment when I saw that. I've never really been in a position to
just say goodbye here. Yeah, this chick was wearing these like, like these, the Columbian yoga pants. And she was walking away from me. And I was like, Yo, I like I hated her immediately. I did. And it took me a good month, about a month to mentally resolve it to process it and say, this is an X. I'm not going to make it my business, bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla. And I think for me, again, and I say, for me, x is people just generally people generally, yeah, test, I find people test me some people trust me, some people don't. Because for me, I always see things through, I may secure with the person, am I insecure with the person? Right? And that even with people's exes, like because I think, at the base of myself, I'm very competitive. I'll come like I'm very, I'm, like, always better than shit. So I have to, I have to reel that in. Now, if I don't reel that in and get into a place of peace and just say, Look, that's none of your business. It's not your headaches much. It's not you, this and this and that. But I think if I heard about all these, like, I'm came across, I actually bumped into another ex Oh, he's one time in, like, in a store. And he told me, I was like, okay, and she was fantastic. She's beautiful. But she didn't set off my my, you know, but this particular person for some reason, I don't know something about her that just like, and
Abbey Kafumbe 41:32
again, the compliment you as well. The guy has tasted
Melanie 41:37
you know, let me tell you something, I think also because it was fresh, we were like maybe two three months into it. And I was an anomaly for him. And I knew it. I was much younger than what he used to date women who are older than him. Okay, and I was much younger than him 10 years younger, right? And I was INEC like according to him as less worldly inexperience so I think I was like I was like I need to keep up with the kidneys keep up so there was so many things I was trying to address then I see this woman who looks at competition looks 1000 bucks and then she looks like and can you imagine the my comfort? This I said now I'm better I hope Yeah, hopefully now I'm better I have better sense of understanding itself but my when I reserved that month month being late and I said oh I don't have to worry about us. But who got him now?
Pumla Nabachwa 42:32
Do you think do you think you have a bigger problem with exes who are more like you or more different?
Melanie 42:40
More like me more like more like me? Different I don't care more like me like if I look at a chick and she is like me and the better and this my shit
Pumla Nabachwa 42:54
get me I find that I have I think I have more of a problem with the ones who are different
Melanie 42:59
the ones that are different that means there's nothing for me to compare with them like deliver Now what that means I did he wanted a different flavor at that moment that time was like me
Pumla Nabachwa 43:11
because now I always think that I'm the different flavor and then he'll always go back to equilibrium but there's no comparison and then if that's what he and then now especially us who lay over the top and then you see the other cheek is maybe more calm more conservative more traditional. Like he was with her and usually that's what men usually like then he says man I can't where am I? When this person was put over doesn't listen who is big headache no your things but you see my guy accepted me like this then you look at the other guy who you know men would would rather leave and what who you are not ever going to be
Melanie 43:53
really my mind is very very different because I look at an X if the X is different from me like I swear to God I look at an X and she's calm composed.
Abbey Kafumbe 44:08
Did you ever get tempted to try to match your your ex to an extent like to yeah, look for look for comparisons. And try to be maybe let me know not loud, but just maybe, you
Melanie 44:23
know, I tried. I tried to look for commonalities. Like I thought through some of them like I met one or two of them, but then I took even his conversations about them. So be like I'm looking for what is the intersection Okay,
Abbey Kafumbe 44:36
when he was was banging would you like subscribe? Get a gym membership. When you compare with a thought cross your mind am I missing? The thought crossed
Melanie 44:49
ay. very fickle, vain human being. If I found my man and I looked at his ex and his body was bangin membership for life would be paid in that chain I can tell you no no I mean like you guys me I realized like now I'll give you an example yeah my my current normal partner the steady he's used to women who innocuous in Nigeria and so he's just to make up the pressure I feel like because I see pictures I see like like now not but you see this I was such an anomaly people I was such an anomaly like I totally from that that X that showed up at the doorstep to to another x have is to even even is because now he has a grown child even his daughter is very 100x comic is typical Niger yes typical so he looks at me and like Milan don't do anything with a hair and additionally I tell him if you like 101 times I got tired but at the beginning
like I had all those insecurities then I got to a point where I was exhausted because yeah because my stubbornness over always overrides people's needs I'm sorry that's the guy my mice mind me i get i over like the override people's needs so I just made like the assessment deal with it and I told him Look deal with it and not even this he complains about my and I'm like an eight years later you're still here. Yeah. What does that say? No, I'm like your power. And you see now that's the problem. And going back to the question of do you compare yourself with your exes? Right? exes that are different. I'm like yeah, he left you I have no thing to worry about like if you're quiet and everything blah blah blah. But I know right now you're with me that means you like me now when I see an ex with those things so anyway, but then I think we've digress slightly but I want to ask this question now if have you in another life if not talk about your current situations right now. Are you guys saying you've never gone back to exes
Pumla Nabachwa 47:26
ever? I've never reverse parked ever ever in my life never have
Abbey Kafumbe 47:32
never called an ex but when we bumped into each other let's say a wedding you know you know these there's all kinds of weirdness you know again hello se traitors Jacob mo she fat now know
was a guy now that you know I'd never to call him fear told you that I don't trust
Melanie 48:02
whatever you did to those people
Abbey Kafumbe 48:04
maybe it's mood issues maybe but No, I never put myself in the position where I will be compromised.
Unknown Speaker 48:12
Okay
Pumla Nabachwa 48:15
so if they if they like no X has ever called you and then you
Abbey Kafumbe 48:22
know they they do call Of course they do calls they may trust issues. I'm like yeah. Okay, if this is your whatsapp conversation screenshots what you're trying to do which could be chewing gum somewhere that by the way. So I'm so paranoid
Pumla Nabachwa 48:43
I'm able to just spin questions
Abbey Kafumbe 48:47
because you see, I wouldn't want stuff like that to get to my wife you know? Yeah, it's
Melanie 48:54
not free. Okay, now now before you waste before you were married. Did you have access you went back to like previous relationship before you're married? Did you have an ex you're like that hollered at you. And you're like
Pumla Nabachwa 49:05
pulling yourself back even if
Abbey Kafumbe 49:10
the first day is very different you know you girls are used to gays hollering at you as gay to do so if when you're a bookie jazz is like an expensive brick. Bag and expensive. Adjust is different. You just get excited. Okay, so just get you guys. You have girls gays calling you in your DMS doesn't happen to us, does it?
Melanie 49:45
Okay. When whenever opportunity strikes, if you can within reason within reason,
Abbey Kafumbe 49:54
within reason. Yeah, but now, with all these things flying around videos Yeah, screenshots.
Melanie 50:03
Thank you.
Pumla Nabachwa 50:03
But you see, I like what you said there just to go back when he said that. I don't want things to go back to my wife. I feel like that is the individual decision. And you've decided to prefect yourself to headmaster yourself and say, You know what, though, so
Abbey Kafumbe 50:17
that's one or two other hot you know, if she's with you, guys, you know, her friends. I don't read into that, because, you know, we're all like, be make sure this relationship as well. Yes, it should be. Exactly. I do my part. She does her part. So everybody's doing you drink, like at the end of the day, you know,
Melanie 50:40
but what you guys always like this was this come with age,
Abbey Kafumbe 50:43
we were making 11 years in marriage in January. So a lot of relationships that didn't work out. We've learned from those we're studying and fighting right now. You know, we, we've had our fair share of drama. But we in a place where, where we've, we've matured. And we're like, you know, we're making this work. Okay, making this work was my every marriage, you know, yeah. If you get to a point where you now become friends, you know, and when you relate it it gets easier.
Melanie 51:21
You see you supposed to date friends. But you see also
Abbey Kafumbe 51:26
so for everyone a relationship person, I don't think you
Pumla Nabachwa 51:31
really know my thing. My issue is not for everyone. Then you find Yeah, but if if the requirements of a relationship if you're if your personalities are is fighting, and you have to do so much work, so relationships are work, but they shouldn't be so much that when you're posting it's hard work it's worth them doing something wrong there. Yes, there is work, it takes work, it takes effort, but you should at
Abbey Kafumbe 51:59
least know the pain and then know
Pumla Nabachwa 52:03
how you said so for me I find like my personality. I I find myself fighting the requirements of a relationship. And that's when I found the longest relationship I've had really is one who just lets me Buddha seems not care. Who seems I'll never know whether they do care and they're just deciding to follow. Know, seems not to care. And then and then it's just that, but I've had I remember my incidences with exes. I remember that one ex who I used to make. When I looked at my partner at the time, had a real big problem. Whenever would break up? We're not breakable and Ishwara Oh, yeah, they now be on the phone calling the other one. So I used to use him. The other one he has. But again, that was immature. It was Yeah. It was really young. So it was an issue of yeah, I'll play that card. And and that's when you asked, Have I always been like that, like this. And that was the law of so after that. It's never happened again. I just decided let's keep those people out. They are not healthy for to bring into and even I've been mostly single I'm predominantly a single person. So even it's not because I'm in a relationship that I'm trying to avoid the drama. It's just that I never know when I will be and then if I am and then somebody has a problem that I don't want to go back to the that's like that's not because if I know I have done it before, then maybe I can do it again. I don't want to have to play
Abbey Kafumbe 53:34
has a chance and you know how small Kampala is what you run out of options. Are you saying I'm saying I'm just so big the max telling me let me see your tape is 1000 people. So 20 years down the road? What do you have to revert to an example
Pumla Nabachwa 54:02
specimen never be? It's not exhaustible?
Melanie 54:10
So I'm going to ask you this question. And this is specifically out of out of like, a huge curiosity I have about co parenting, right. Does it suck first? And then get better?
Pumla Nabachwa 54:23
It's terrible. It's fucking terrible. Back into like, I won't even lie about it. Like in co parenting for 11 years. And still, it's no no, no, that that journey that and it's something I'll tell people. You see you divorced because you couldn't manage the problem. Marriage? Yes, try divorce. Try co parenting, the beginning of co parenting like a bad marriage. So remember, you couldn't manage marriage. So you separated. Now you're back in him or in something that you have no choice over, but you have to deal with that pain. You're stuck in it. And then it actually shows you What marriage can be, you start and maybe these pulling these pushing these learning each other, there's growth. And then the sun comes out. Like when I look at my growth process with my co parent now, my son's father, and I look at 10 years ago, I'm like, shit, where did we come from?
Melanie 55:17
Okay, no, we're
Pumla Nabachwa 55:17
great. Okay, great. Well, like a whole family, including his because he remarried. Yes. So even that part is part of the journey
Melanie 55:26
I was about to ask you, does that make it easier for co parenting? It doesn't make it easier when the other person when both of you have different partners, does it make co parenting easier,
Pumla Nabachwa 55:35
I never ever wanted to take that risk. So I always swore that I would never get with anybody before. My dad's my, my child's father deed. I always made that provide, because I know that I'll always be okay with him being with somebody else. But I was never ever sure how he would take it. And I didn't want to add that to the pins that were already there. So for me, my decisions are usually logical. Like if I see something I can restrain myself, I'll say I'm not going to, I promise. And yes, and as soon as he got into a real relationship, and started dating, that's when I actually first dated after he got married. So you said yes, I said, there's already too much going on out there adding an extra problem. What is this means you cared about him? No, I cared about my son, you know, because you see what happens in these relationships as even as people when you're when you're not okay, as an adult. Most times you find there is an effect that if your children, I didn't want that, him to have that and you like it, and I remember I studied like at the beginning of the co parenting journey, whenever there would be so he would hear about somebody here or there. There'll be some ruffles, Zovko. And I when I learned that I said, No. So back to the question does it make for him when he did it? For me? It made my life easier, but I think mostly because he the person he chose was great. Like, it will all always depend on the Yeah, so she actually smooth ended the journey for us. Because she Yeah, she
Abbey Kafumbe 57:09
can't imagine from it must be complicated, man. No, you have them. No, you have your son calling the no calling her mommy.
Pumla Nabachwa 57:18
Which I don't mind. I felt like if my child can call you out of you have his wheel. Yeah, mom. You're doing something right. It means with a woman I want in his life. End of story.
Melanie 57:29
Why this year weights continue. Continue, continue. Because me No, no, no, no, no. I'm very respectful. And you call you call by
Pumla Nabachwa 57:42
Yes. No, you see the issue here is a mother son says someone No, no, no,
you see the problem. The real issue here is that there are other children growing in that home and you're trying to bring up these children in an inclusive environment. So when you have somebody calling Melanie or Antony or something and then everybody else is saying mama I want your child when they go home there is no saying come back home wherever they are is home so and for me that that's always that's the issue with co parenting everything depends on the women both the ex the baby mama and the current fortunate and if you're not fighting those men they just sit back look the other way boys and their mom's on their way is hopping with the other ones who should be bringing you together
Abbey Kafumbe 58:56
you can hit the fan man even if you're logical and you're like no no, please right here look at both of them now.
Melanie 59:11
Yeah, exactly. Oh, you chose her? Oh, you chose her? Oh, okay, so now guys okay, so now start with Abby you're passing shots. CO parent not comparing to other exes friends or not?
Abbey Kafumbe 59:26
It depends if you've moved on. Keep the x's away. Just keep them away. Because they always mess up this messed up relationship. Always do you know the X Factor? That X Factor is a
Melanie 59:40
beach sorry, but it's okay. It's fine
Abbey Kafumbe 59:43
Beach was let me tell you when you had chemistry, the thing okay, maybe you could have parted but the things he did for you the things you did for him and man no one else has done that. Okay, you've moved on in another good relationship is different man. That Kathy when you AHA this series, what's it called? Sex and what sex and sex lies. Identity is the craziest the craziest series called, basically this chick writes in her in a journal about her ex. Then the husband finds a gentleman reads in the Netflix, it isn't. It's called Sex something. So now the husband does everything in the journal to her. Because she missed that is crazy. Like everyone was talking about it. Yeah, so that's why X has no say no, this x wasn't in the mix physically. It was in the mix in a journal sex life, sex life.
Pumla Nabachwa 1:00:37
Oh, yes. I've heard people
Abbey Kafumbe 1:00:40
say she was missing that life. But then the husband turned around and became the ex boyfriend like, you know, became steamy crazy. Gotta look for. For exes. I think if you've moved on, avoid, I'm not saying he toured. But just avoid for the sake of the new relationship.
Melanie 1:01:00
Okay, Pamela parting shots on this,
Pumla Nabachwa 1:01:03
I think, honestly believe the past where it belongs in the past, regardless of the circumstances, unless it is for functionality purposes, where you have a choice, the fixer is not functioning. If you're going to be the one making the phone call, then they know somebody else can do those things for you. I believe, I think that you just just just leave it he came into your life or she came into your life for a season for a reason. And if they're out, that means that season that has expired, and so has the reason. So why are you hanging on to things that I don't think exists serve you in any way, honestly. And so I feel if it happened before it can happen again. Okay, just let it go.
Melanie 1:01:49
I know I think slightly different clearly. I'm like, Look, get yours. If you he'll get yours. If you heal enough, and you need to make money with your ex make money with us. If you need that light bulb, change that car fixed. If you need to cross a border and someone can help you if you need. If you have useful access use them. Okay? If the ones if the ones that are useless, don't use them. But the for me, the most important thing is to heal when you heal when you deal then and then again, I will never do anything that makes my primary partner my current partner or my husband or my spouse, insecure right? But for me at the same time, I am not going to babysit people's insecurities. I have worked with mine I deal with my demons deal with yours. I'm not going to reassure you so for me exes good to go if we serve a purpose, you know
Abbey Kafumbe 1:02:48
if if my ex is to help my container cleared I don't know. Let me know that the trouble
Pumla Nabachwa 1:03:00
no. Yeah, that's logical. I guess Don't be
Abbey Kafumbe 1:03:03
like now because it helped me let me take you out for dinner.
Melanie 1:03:09
But man, if you are going to fix my stuff, anything, I will call you. I will even make friends with your current wife. I will make the Godfather those bloody kids he has with you. But we shall you stay in my life. So until the purpose you guys, this has been lovely. Thank you so much, Paul and Abby for joining me and guys listening and thank you so much for taking the time for joining M's view. And see you next week. Bye bye
Transcribed by https://otter.ai